Will It Suck? Deathly Shallow Edition…

And here we go with another installment of “Will It Suck?”

This time around, it’s the latest in the goings-in at Hogwarts. Check it out…

SMH.

Ok, so this is yet another chapter in the Harry Potter saga (make it stop!) and there’s one question on everyone’s mind: why the hell haven’t Hermione and Harry played tonsil hockey yet? I mean, they must be of age now (the characters, if not the actors) and if that sparkling undead paedophile can cuddle with that emo high-maintenance vibe, then why can’t Harry cast a Thirdbaseium spell and get it on with the crown princess of ice-maidens?

Yup. Better than that vampire bint.

Please note Harry Potter nerds: I haven’t read the books, so if you email me or comment on this post with anything that looks like a justification from the universe of Hogwarts as to why Harry and Hermione aren’t playing doctor, I will hunt you down and proceed to do a little magic trick of my own where I make my foot disappear up your ass.

So back to the question: why isn’t Harry in Hermione’s panties like any other teenager with raging hormones? I’ll tell you why: because he’s wearing them. Harry’s saving himself for Dead-wood Cullen (especially after that little lovers’ tiff between him and the ginger). Case closed.

Moving on…

Am I the only one who’s a little disturbed by the Wrong Weasley character? The dude looks like an Oompa-Loompa with a thyroid problem. Someone needs to stick in a pin in that boy and drain all the gravy from his body.

Will It Suck? Ok…I’m gonna take a flyer at this one and say “Yes”. Here’s why: the Harry Potter films are join-the-dots, paint-by-numbers formula. Really. Harry goes to school, Voldemort tries to kill him, the teachers warn Harry not to do some shit, Harry proceeds to do exactly just that shit, there’s the (obvious to everyone except a blind toddler on speeding merry-go-round) twist and Harry saves the day. Even Luke Skywalker lost a hand and had to go toe-to-toe with his old man before he came out on top.

Alan Rickman: you are the only thing worth watching but sadly not even you or the delectable Helena Bonham-Carter in pseudo-victorian-bondage-domme gear can save this one. Fuck me sideways because it’s got Harry Potter clones too! More anaemic girly-boy wizard fun for your coin. This movie is going to suck like…like…ah, shit I can’t be bothered to come up with a wizard-based comparison for this one.

Wait.

Wait.

I got it.

It’s gonna suck just like when the lights go out in Harry’s dorm room.

Ha.

Save your money. Drink sour milk and watch paint dry instead. It’s a shitload more magical than this.

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