Will It Suck?

So, I’m launching a new feature called “WILL IT SUCK?” No, it’s not a look at the latest newcomer (ZING!) in the line of Hollywood Ho-lettes.  It’s a movie review/prediction vibe based on simply my impressions from the movie’s trailer. And hopefully save you some money in the long run. Yes, it’s unfair but hey so’s testicular cancer. My blog, my rules…

And so you can get an idea of how it works, here’s the first one…

Meat puppets...

Wall Street 2 – Money Never Sleeps

Where to start? Well, it’s got Shia Le Buffoon in it. This  is the schmuck that was outacted by a CGI robot – that couldn’t talk or even display emotion on its face. Seriously, the only way this could get worse is if he fucking sparkled. Speaking of which, did you see that little vampire looking lesbian that’s supposed to be his love-interest? I’d rather get sodomised by a rabid moose that touch any part of her….

Where’s Charlie Sheen? I’ll tell you. He’s owning primetime comedy with “2 and a Half Men”, a sitcom so hot it’s like the little brother of “How I Met Your Mother” (SIDEBAR: hey Hollywood! We need a crossover!). He doesn’t need this sequel.

Oh you didn’t know?

Yes, it’s a sequel but most of the people who will watch this piece of also-ran shit will have never seen the first totally awesome movie. Seriously, how do you come close to a scene that’s even halfway as good as  “GREED IS GOOD”?

Oh wait, you probably never saw the first one. Here’s that scene…

Wall Street worked because it came out at a time of excess, when it was good to have money and be a ruthless capitalist bastard. Now, not so much. We’re hugging whales and giving each other dutch-rudders in a misguided attempt to pay penance for the Wall Street era. You want to talk about greed? This is a massive helping right here – with a bitter side-order of desperation: Michael Douglas hasn’t done shit worth mentioning since “DISCLOSURE” and we only watched it for Demi Moore’s legs. Well, I did anyway. Sod off. And so he’s decided to capitalise on nostalgia and cash in on dusty memories. Hey, at least it’s a move that Gordon Gekko might have approved of. Sadly, this Gordon Gekko looks more like a recently-released kiddy-fiddler than the revenge-motivated reboot of the corporate Hannibal Lechter he once was…

Will it suck? Yes, like a desperate broker fellating the entire board of directors not to cut his million dollar annual bonus, it will suck until its lips are raw and won’t stop til it’s got every last undeserved coin in its pocket. This is a movie that should never have been made.

Watch Boiler Room instead.

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