Wolves In No Clothing…

Today, dear reader, I write to you in anguish. I write to you in hopes that my impassioned words will not fall on deaf ears. I write to you about the evil that is PETA.

Don’t be fooled by PETA.

On the surface, they’re harmless little bunny-huggers but underneath that cutesy exterior lurks their more sinister, true purpose: world domination. Their entire plan is eliminate all the things we (and by “we” I mean heterosexual men) like – juicy steaks, leather jackets like the Al Pacino wore in “Serpico”, unnecessarily fast fossil-fuel powered cars, furry pimp coats (OK, the last one is mine. CHINCHILLA OVER HERE!!!)…

And force us to walk around naked eating vegetables and hang out with the hot women who want us to give up these things.

Dude. Wait. What?

No…must not get distracted by the hotness…focus on the message…

PETA must be stopped. We love our steaks! We love our sushi! And I love looking like Al Pacino…

Now PETA wants to take this all away. And they’re using subversive mind control tricks to fool us into thinking it’s OK…

Don’t believe me? Well, how else do you explain this?

What is that!? A nude angel-hottie with wings with an irresponsibly cute puppy!? Is nothing sacred?

And what about this? Huh? HUH?

Granted, if they were around in my teens I would have eaten more salad (probably off their thighs) but c’mon…we know what they’re up to!

And finally, this bit of propaganda:

OH. MY. DEAR. LORD.

Um…

Where was I?

Oh, right…

Save the whales! Eat more vegetables! Burn down the chicken farms! Free the cattle! Ride around naked on your bicycle and don’t wear fur! Meet hot chicks who like men who like those things and enjoy hours of wild monkey sex (with the hot chicks not the monkeys, you sick tosser)! What are you waiting for? Go. Go. GO!!

Hell, I didn’t even really like Al Pacino all that much anyway…

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